It's Always Bad Before It Gets Worse
by DistractionCat
Summary: Kyon's day started with him falling off a bike, getting a life-threatening injury, and having only a passing girl on a scooter to help him get to a hospital. Things got worse from there. — AU crackfic, including the entire SOS Brigade.


**It's Always Bad Before It Gets Worse**

Crackfic, Slight AU; assume no-one knows each other in this. I say crackfic because I wrote myself a fill in the blank and filled it out myself. (after sending it to all my friends first, of course.) I am so cool psht. (Also, all the truck references were an inside joke I had written for my friends :$) This takes place around October/November.

If there's a term or something that you don't get, go to TvTropes... but after reading this. That site, like, sucks you in for the next five hours.

A little bit of swearing and a ton of OOC.

— — — — —

Kyon violently attacked his alarm clock, despite it not being on. "Hnng—"

"Kyon, get your butt outta bed. It's four in the afternoon. On a Sunday, nonetheless." His head came up from underneath the covers. "Oh...it's y-you..." He yawned and his sister grumbled.

"Gosh, Kyon, how are you still sleepy?" She tossed a notepad at his head. "Here, mom wants you to do all of this in an hour, because you still have to go somewhere at five." He felt around blindly for the notepad and looked at it.

_- Go into town and get groceries_

_- Rake the leaves_

"We don't have any leaves though..." He said, still sleepy. _Maybe I could add an extra hour to the sixteen hours I've already slept?_

_- Go into town and get groceries_

_- Rake the leaves_

_- Pick up mail_

_- D O Y O U R L A U N D R Y_

He grumbled.

Five minutes later, he was in his garage, holding the notebook and wearing a bag. He got on his bike and pedaled down his driveway, almost tripping over a bush or two in his sleepiness. Once he regained his footing, after nearly having a truck run into him, he started to relax and drift off to sleep again. Halfway to the grocery store, his bike stumbled on some uneven pavement and he cracked his head on the sidewalk.

He slowly bled to death there for about three hours.

Three agonizing hours.

Finally, at around seven o'clock, a girl scooted on by on her scooter and almost tripped over Kyon in the darkness. She got off her scooter and cringed as her shoe squelched in a puddle of blood. Ignoring it, she said, "Are you okay?"

Kyon's head shot up at the sign of human company. "Oh, hohohoho, _noooo_, I'm perfectly fine. Someone just happened to throw a bucket of paint at me—"

"Are you sure? This looks like blood." All of his hope vanished and his head fell back down onto the pavement.

"Nope. I'm fine. No need at all to go to a hospital—"

The girl shrugged, looking at least somewhat annoyed. "Well, if you say so. Whatever." She got up on her scooter when Kyon yelled at her. "HEY, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, _I WAS BEING SARCASTIC._"

The girl scooted back over to Kyon. "Who do you think you are, talking like that to me?!" She crouched down next to him and glared at him. They had a glaring match when the girl broke away.

"I'm Haruhi, by the way." She stuck her hand out and he almost laughed at the thought that she expected him to actually shake her hand.

"Hmm...Haruhi, is it? Sounds sort of familiar...I'm Kyon... I need you to do me. A favour, that is..." She looked semi-interested, and got closer to his face. "What is it? I don't have time for you." He looked into her eyes.

"I..."

"You..." She growled.

"I need you.."

Haruhi was taken aback. "No one's ever said that to me—" Kyon's hand shot up and grabbed around her neck. "I NEED YOU TO GET ME TO A GODDAMN HOSPITAL."

Haruhi, unfazed, raised her eyebrows and said, "How about you come home with me instead?"

Kyon glared at her and half-heartedly made his hand into a fist. "How about a head injury matching mine?" Haruhi wasn't threatened by this at all and instead, rolled her eyes. She stood up and stuck her thumb up against the roadside, even though the road was an empty one and it was getting darker. Kyon said, "Don't you have a phone or something?"

"Do you want me to get you to the hospital or what?!" Haruhi got a cellphone out anyway, grumbling. _Finally. There's some sort of hope for this girl._

At least, he thought that, until Haruhi said, "Oh, look. No service..." A beep followed. "And it's out of battery..." She threw the phone at Kyon. He screamed and rubbed his head. "...You know what, never mind, just hitchhike or something..."

She rolled her eyes, "Make up your mind." Haruhi stuck out her thumb. After what seemed to be forever, a car drove up and the side window was rolled down. A guy's voice came from the driver's seat, but a girl was in the passenger's seat, slowly shaking her head. She fumbled with the car lights inside, switched it on, then started mouthing something.

"Wh...atev....er you... do... do not... accept..." Haruhi mumbled out loud. "Accept what?"

When the girl found out that Haruhi was saying all the words out loud, she blinked twice and her eyes got a tiny bit smaller, as if she was attempting to glare.. "What she's trying to tell you is that we have candy in the backseat... you guys want some? And a ride to wherever. You look like you need it, you two lovebirds—"

Kyon tried to speak up before Haruhi. "We don't even know each other! And no, I think we'll be fine—"

"Yeah, we'll be glad to take a ride!"

"That's what she said," the girl in the car mumbled. The driver didn't seem to notice. He unlocked the doors and said, "Hop in." Haruhi started walking to the car, but Kyon just said, "I'm not moving from this spot."

Haruhi just shrugged and walked up to him. "Whoa, what the hell are you—GODDAMNIT PUT ME DOWN—" He couldn't believe the nerve of this girl. This girl (who he had technically known for...what...three minutes?) was picking him up to take him to the car. Not even a piggy-back ride. She didn't even push him in the direction of the car. No, she had picked him up and started to carry him to the car in the most unmanly way ever.

Bridal style.

Haruhi threw him in the car and walked around it, sitting in the seat behind the weird smiling guy. She pushed Kyon into a sitting position. "So, how about you guys? What's your name? I'm Haruhi Suzumiya. This _lovely lady_ here is Kyon."

He had given up and just resigned to a glare.

The driver smirked and said, "Well, I'm Itsuki Koizumi. And see this girl over here? She's my slave-person. I was nice enough to give her a name. Yuki Nagato. Pretty, isn't it?" He flashed a smile in their direction, and Kyon had an urge to smash the car window to pieces, stab him with a glass piece, and run away.

"You are not required to speak." Yuki then ignored Itsuki and looked over to Haruhi and Kyon in the backseat. "I am confused. Why have you accepted an offer from two humans you do not recognize?"

They looked at her for a bit, and she narrowed her eyes more. "Are you lacking common sense?"

"Haruhi here might be." Kyon said, gesturing to said girl who was currently distracted with breathing on the window and drawing.

Itsuki, who was stuck in traffic, also looked over at the two in the backseat. "So, where did you two meet?"

"She found me on the street, as I was slowly dying of minor blood loss." Kyon rolled his eyes, and Haruhi became involved with the conversation again. "And the rest, they say, is history." She put her arm around his shoulders. "We're planning a spring wedding now." He forced a smile on his face as he rolled the window down. He grabbed her arm "lovingly", shoved it out the window, and switched car seats so she was nearer the window her hand was currently out.

"...What—"

Yuki, looking disinterested, somehow managed to close the passenger window from where she was sitting. "I have failed to mention this, but the windows in this vehicle do not function as they should and are defected. The window's edges are 45.9 percent sharper than they should and they roll up at 23.1 percent the speed—"

Haruhi's screams following this statement blocked out the rest of the sentence.

Kyon calmly looked over to Itsuki, who looked completely unfazed by this. "To the hospital, please."

"...We're in traffic."

And awkward silence followed as they endured Haruhi's screams for a half an hour more, until she realized that her other hand was free. She used it to roll down the window herself.

Kyon facepalmed.

"You know, I'm surprised I haven't died of blood loss yet," Kyon murmured as he rubbed his head, looking out the window at the much-needed hospital.

"I am not surprised. It seems that by the way your brain functions, your brain has not been receiving any oxygen." Yuki said.

Kyon started. "You know what—"

Itsuki interrupted saying, "Well, we've been in traffic for... an hour and a half, and we're in front of the hospital now. You haven't exactly died yet."

"You only agreed with her because she's your sex slave."

All of the sudden, Kyon saw a gray blur in front of him, attacking his lap, then back into in front of him. He screamed out loud and after most of the pain was gone, he looked up and noticed that the gray blur was Yuki's seat, who had messed with the seat angle fast enough to hurt Kyon.

"Oops. It seems an accident has occured."

He groaned. "No, but seriously, shut up, you'll wake Haruhi." Itsuki snickered. "Aww, so you _do_ care! The two little lovebirds you are."

"I do not, ass-face."

"I think we had a miscommunication of some sort. It's your face that looks like it was unceremoniously ripped off a baboon's backside—"

"Shut it, Koizumi."

"I think you just woke your girlfriend up."

"_What?!"_ Kyon looked over to Haruhi, who was asleep until that moment. "...Whazoingonnn."

"Well, I think you do care, _Kyon_, seeing as you looked over to Miss Suzumiya." That smile was stabbing him and ripping him to pieces and throwing the pieces into fire.

(Not a good type, either.)

"...Yeah. I'll just be leaving now." Kyon unlocked the car door, when Itsuki asked him, "How old are you anyway?"

"Sixteen. Why? I bet you're a 33-year-old rapist in disguise or something." Yuki turned to glare at him. "That's what I had been attempting to inform you about." He and Haruhi just froze there, gaping at the two.

"You, Kyon, are approximately six days older than me. Itsuki Koizumi is approximately six years older."

"He's twenty two...?"

"...Shit, Haruhi, we're getting _the fuck out of here_. Nice talking to you, weird-talking girl. Not you, Mr. Smiles. Hope we never see you again!" Kyon hurried to unlock the car door, not realizing he was locking it, rather than unlocking it.

"In six months, three days, four hours, and seven seconds, we will indeed all meet again at a grocery store five kilometers from this location to buy a bag of rice—"

Yuki was cut off by Kyon violently grabbing Haruhi's wrist and opening the car door as quickly as possible. Which wasn't really that fast, because the car door was still locked and it was hard to unlock manually. He tried to get the door to unlock, and after being laughed at by Itsuki (Yuki's eyes seemed to brighten just a bit), he finally realized he was locking the door instead of unlocking it.

He dragged Haruhi outside who was practically dragged on the pavement. Haruhi didn't even seemed anooyed; in fact, she was in deep thought.

"This seems familiar... have we met in a past life?"

"_Not the time!_"

"Hmm."

Itsuki and Yuki sat in the car, watching. Itsuki seemed to have a geniune smile on his face. "So... they believed you, Yuki?"

"I find this entertaining, considering that you are, infact, two months and nine days younger than my age in appearance."

They looked out the window for a second, where Kyon and Haruhi's silhouettes were running against the hospital lights. There was a moment of silence where Haruhi tripped and Kyon burst out laughing and slowed his running down to a walk. Yuki turned to Itsuki. "I wish to be the driver. You are much too slow." 

"I'm sixteen, give me a break." He decided to switch anyway, and as soon as he unlocked the door, she sprinted out. Itsuki made a half-attempt to get her back in, but she slammed the door on his hand and stuck her middle finger out at him.

"That is for everything." And she calmly walked off to Haruhi and Kyon, therefore ruining any mood she had building up.

(Itsuki, after regaining control of his hands enough to drive back home, tried to sneak in through his sister's window. Unfortunately, at that moment, his sister was being yelled at by his mom. They both looked over to him and the car keys looped around his hand. Which basically meant he was caught.)

"It it unpleasant inside Itsuki Koizumi's vehicle."

Haruhi and Kyon turned around and saw Yuki walking calmly towards them, with a passing glance towards Itsuki's car. Haruhi sighed and looked at her. "Oh, thank god you managed to escape that pedo-guy's hands!"

An awkward silence ensued, in which Yuki cringed slightly (but visibly), Kyon cringed, and Haruhi took _much_ too long to figure it out. "Uhh... I-I meant that figuratively. You know, like escaping an evil person's clutches. And stuff. Besides, you said he was thirty—"

"Twenty two."

"—Twenty two!" Yuki's expression looked neutral, but had a slight smirk to it. "That was false. He is the same age as you." At that moment, Kyon sighed, which, for your convenience, will be translated three different ways and put in order from least likely to most likely.

One, interpreted as a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness she's okay."

Two, also interpreted as a sigh of relief. "Thank god he wasn't a pedo."

Three, interpreted as a sign of irritation. "Why is he sixteen, why can he drive, and why can't I?"

Interrupting Kyon's trin of thought, Yuki said, "How much money is required to use the bus as transportation?"

"How much do you need?" Haruhi asked, taking out her wallet. Yuki took it from her hands and shoved it in her pocket. "This will be sufficient." She walked away, and Haruhi made no attempt to stop her. She glanced over to Kyon and said, "You know, now that we're alone and all—"

"I completely agree to the fact that we need to go our separate ways." He walked the rest of the way to the hospital and left Haruhi waiting there, completely alone and heartbroken. "Why... _why?! _Who's fault is this?_"_

Kyon made a move to cough, but stopped himself.

Kyon walked up to whoever was at the desk. Well, to be specific, he waited in line for about five hours. Within that time, he had actually stopped bleeding. But he decided to go through with it anyway, because he might have been infected. Then again, the whole _five hours in a line full of sick people_...

Finally, at around midnight, Kyon reached the end of the line (_Is it just me, or are a lot of people sick this time or something?_ He thought off-handedly to himself). The secretary-person asked, "Name?"

"Kyon." The secretary gave him a weird look.

"Real name?"

"Uh..."

"Never mind." She typed something up. "And what's your problem?" He stood there gaping. The entire left side of his head was covered in dried, hardened blood, he had a large cut, and she was asking him what was _wrong?!_

"Oh, _hmm, _I'm not _entirely sure._ Maybe it's because I've been bleeding for two hours, and I've been around weirdos and idiots for the past _four—_"

The secretary-person clacked at the keyboard. "Well, then, if you're not entirely sure, then you can go sit over there." She poked at a room with several coughing people. "Since you know all your symptoms, it can't be all too bad."

"But—"

"_Next._" He glared at her for all of five seconds, and made his way to the room she had pointed out. He looked around to someone who didn't seem all too sick and was sitting there staring into space. So Kyon sat down next to her.

He didn't really have much of a choice, though, seeing as it was the only empty seat. He then realized she looked like a hippie. She also had long, strawberry blonde hair. He muttered. "God, all the weirdos and idiots gravitate to me or something." She seemed to have heard and not cared, because next thing he knew, he was being hugged by hippie-girl.

"Hello, friend. I am Mikuru."

"Wonderful." He pushed her away and opted to just stand up instead, when Mikuru took his wrist and held it rather tightly, resulting in another body part without enough blood. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm-a-complete-and-total-idiot."

"So, 'I'm-a-complete-and-total-idiot'..."

"Why, I agree." He tried to walk away, but she tripped him and made him land on the exact same side of the cut which caused him to come to the hospital in the first place. "What do you _want?!_"

"I... I'm lonely. Please stay with me."

"No." Luck was _so_ not on his side today. He got pulled up by hippie-girl and into another hug. "Did I mention?" She whispered in his ear very awkwardly. And very creepily.

"I'm actually rather sick, you know." Kyon froze, rolled his eyes and sighed. It looked like there was no way out of his current situation.

This was going to be a long hospital wait.

Haruhi walked home dejectedly. She wasn't taking in her surroundings properly (as usual) and was run over by an ambulance. The ambulance in question was carrying a truck driver, who had recently been run over by his friend, a fellow truck driver, while backing up.

Kyon _finally_ made it home at three in the morning. He had given up on the hospital and just decided to walk home, which took an hour. He decided to never, _ever_ hitchhike ever again. Even if his life seriously depended on it.

He walked up to the front door, and fished around in his pockets for his keys.

His keys that _weren't there._

"You're kidding me." He closed his eyes and grumbled.

Apparently Kyon had fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, he was sleeping on his roof, in front of his room's window. He felt something suffocating him and he couldn't see anything.

So of course, he started panicking. He patted wildly on the really heavy _thing_ on top of his head. After a few minutes of struggling, he managed to push it off his head. "What the hell is this thing?"

It was a rice bag.

"What the..." There were two notes on it with similar handwriting. He ripped both of them off and read each of them. The first one was like a pink Post-It note, and whatever was on it was written with a sparkly pink pen.

"I would tell you to be cautious but you would not be able to hear me."

The second one was on a small piece of plain paper, with regular black pen.

"We bought this rice bag especially for you.

Love, Itsuki and Yuki.

PS. I heard your _girlfriend_ was run over by a truck."

He flipped it over to the other side where it continued.

"PPS. There's a screwdriver in this bag, which you can use to pry open your window. If you're willing to dump an entire bag of rice off your roof."

Later on in the afternoon, Kyon found himself in his room hugging the bag of rice with the two notes stuck back on. He opened his eyes and looked up and found that his parents were glaring at him. His sister was trying not to laugh.

"You've got a long day of explaining ahead of you."

— — — — —


End file.
